After All These Years

Apparently, I’m fixated on license plates these days. I trace it to the fact that ever since I was young, I dreamed of getting a personalized license plate.

After years of waiting, I’ve finally done it. My plate choice wasn’t without some deliberation. Below are some of the choices I pondered.

MM BRGR 1 – The runner up.
ON IOWA 1 – Among the final picks.
HAV SUM 2 – In the finals…a little too nerdy.
UPTITE 1 – Wife rejected. And I thought I was uptight.
PIN PAL 1 – Afraid people would think I’m into bowling.
I. M NUM 2 – Wife liked this thinking it was humble. I didn’t like proclaiming I’m poo.
BEF CAK 1 – Wife rejected. Don’t know why.
HI KEL 1 – I am only so whipped.
UPTGHT 1 – Once again, wife doesn’t want world to know I’m nuts.
FNS LFT 4 – Wanted to get wife’s car to be Fins Right, but it wasn’t in the cards.
MMM BRGR – Too expensive. Not having a number is like $40 more.
GRT HAIR – I have great hair. But without the number it wasn’t worth the $40.
BLECCH 1 – Not very upbeat.
BIG HAIR – I have great hair, not a bouffant.
M DOLR DO – Too hard too figure out (Million Dollar ‘Do)
NUT CAS 1 – Wife felt it sent the wrong message.
WFS HOT 1 – Once again, only so whipped.
MM FOOD 1 – Liked BRGR (burger) better.
TOO SXY 2 – I was too sexy for this plate.
DA BOMB – Would have been very cool 10 years ago.
NTSTOU 2 – Went through an angry phase (Nuts To U).
BLD SPT 1 – Chink in the armor?
IM NUM 2 – Once again, not going to declare I’m poo.
SPR NRD 1 – Super Nerd would not drive the chicks wild.
FL O ANGER – Angry phase. Wouldn’t be good when pulled over.
HI MOM 3 – My mom would never see my car.
HI HON 2 – I’ve already got a minivan. Isn’t that enough emasculation?
HI HNY 2 – See above.
TPYO 2 – I liked this. But there’s only so far that clever will take you.
MMDNUT 2 – Hard to read (mmm donut)
BORING 2 – I am boring. So was this plate idea.
URBHND 2 – Too clever. I’d want to ram me.
SNOOZE 1 – Wife vetoed yet again. Didn't reflect our suburban rock star lifestyle.
G RATED 1 – Same as above.

And the choice was:
MR PLOW 1 – This Simpsons reference fully reflects my sexiness. And it looks a little odd on a Honda Accord.

That's Not Going To Help Him Get The Ladies

According to the National Institute of Health website:

Sepsis is a life-threatening illness. Your body's response to a bacterial infection usually causes it. Your immune system goes into overdrive, overwhelming normal processes in your blood. The result is that small blood clots form, blocking blood flow to vital organs. This can lead to organ failure. Babies, old people and those with weakened immune systems are most likely to get sepsis. But even healthy people can become deathly ill from it. A quick diagnosis can be crucial, because one third of people who get sepsis die from it.

Sepsis is usually treated in a hospital intensive care unit (ICU). IV antibiotics and fluids may be given to try to knock out the infection and to keep blood pressure from dropping too low. Patients may also need respirators to help them breathe.

So can anybody tell me why the guy at the car wash today had a vanity plate that read “SEPSIS?” That’s just sick…pun intended.

Elements of My Wife’s Bad Day

-Car Battery Died
-Storming Outside
-Can’t read AAA card because her eyes had been dilated from eye doctor appointment
-Towing company that shows up to give her a jump: T&A Towing

Thanks…I Think

“Wow you look great. I didn’t recognize you.”

That could probably have been phrased differently.

Some Thoughts From A Fantasy Football Draft

Cool: Going to Hooters for our Fantasy Football draft
Not Cool: Bringing our computers
Really Not Cool: Having a computer bag with wheels and a handle…grandma

Smart: Hooters installing and advertising Wi-Fi
Not Smart: Having zero electrical outlets in the restaurant

Notable: Now I know how the “PC” guy feels in those Mac commercials

Some More Quotes Not Worthy of The Holiday Letter

Another set of quotes that just didn't cut it...

· The wife: (Yelling upstairs) What are you doing?
The girl: Nothing!
The wife: Well don't do it again!

(There are just some things a mother knows that can’t be articulated.)


· The wife: (To the boy) Hey! Stop eating your feet!

(Don’t want people thinking we’re not giving the kid enough to eat.)


· The girl: You have beetles. (Her diagnosis after taking my blood pressure with the Sesame Street medical kit.)

(We didn’t want to brag that we have a future doctor in the family. Plus, I now carry the shame of having beetles.)


· The boy: Isn't it cool to stand like this? (Said to his Aunt while balancing on one foot trying to put off going to the bathroom so he could keep playing.)

(Once again, potty humor doesn’t play well at the Holidays.)


· The girl: I can't win the race.
Me: Why can't you win the race?
The girl: Because I'm in a box.
Me: Tell Mommy why you can't win the race.
The girl: Because I don't have straight arms.

(This was several years ago. Everybody already thinks I’m nuts. Didn’t want them thinking it rubbed off on the girl.)

Some More Quotes That Didn't Make The Holiday Letter

As below, there are some quotes that just arent fit to print...

· The girl: What is that, a potato?
Her friend: No! It's you!
The girl: But I don't have any arms.

Her friend: What is that a picture of?
The girl: It's you.
Her friend: I don't look like that.

(This was several years ago. I think the daughter was 4 at the time. The quote was too long and I don't think my wife liked me highlighting that my daughter's drawings at the time were closer to Picasso than Van Gogh.)


· The boy: Can I have a nail?
The wife: When you I turn 18?
The boy: Can I have a level when I turn 18?
The wife: We can probably get you one before you turn 18.
The boy: Can I get dynamite when I turn 18?
The wife: Mommy and Daddy can't even get dynamite.

(A little too long for the letter. And my wife was frustrated that she couldn't own dynamite.)


· The wife: You have to leave.
The boy: The family?
The wife: No!! The office.

(My wife was trying to get something done in the office for Brownies or some other paramilitary organization she belongs to. Nixed from the letter because we had no idea why he thought he needed to leave the family and didn't want people coming to the conclusion that we threaten to sell the kids to gypsies.)


· The wife: I think the (mail order) steaks (we ordered) are here.
The boy: (excitedly) SNAKES ?!?

(I think we had something in the letter that year about the boy telling somebody giving a spider presentation that the wife squishes them and that was all the nature humor that could work in one letter.)


· The wife: I love you ornery little fellow.
The boy: I'm not a little fellow.

(Left off the letter because we didn't want to frighten relatives he might visit. He is ornery you know.)