2009 - A Sherwood Story

Rules For Camping

I don’t know if there are any rules to camping. And there probably are. The first rule is probably something like, “I know the bear cub is cute, but stop hugging it” or “No matter how good beef jerky is for a morning snack, don’t sleep with it stuffed in your pockets.” And those are fine rules. But those are rules for people showing an elevated dumbass level. If somebody is going to hug Gentle (how ironic) Ben’s offspring, it’s probably best for society if they die by being mauled by a bear.

I think there need to be rules for people who are just plain busy and only camp occasionally. Therefore, I present to you: Sherwood’s Rules of Camping

Sherwood’s Rules of Camping

1. Make sure you’re bringing what you actually think you’re bringing. Take the time to actually double check what you have is what you think you have. Otherwise, you could go to open what you think is your bed roll after carrying it all the way into the museum for your special overnight only to find that you’ve lugged a tent all the way in from the parking lot and it won’t do you much good when you’re sleeping on a VERY HARD floor which is incidentally INDOORS so you really need a bed roll so you can get some sleep to ignore your kid and having a tent isn’t going to cut the mustard.

2. Bring all of your medications. Make sure that you have vital medications on hand such as Prevacid or Prilosec for heartburn, insulin for diabetics, and cough syrup for kids. BECAUSE COUGH SYRUP IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE GIVING KIDS WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SLEEP AND NOT CAFFEINE.

3. Don’t eat anything that gives you gas beginning within six hours of camping. ‘Nuff said.

Oddly Enough, No Reply Yet

12/23/09
To People Magazine


Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing because I wish to be considered for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive designation. I believe I would be an excellent choice for the designation.

I possess the experience you are seeking. My qualifications include the following:

· I have hair that has been appraised at a value exceeding $1 million for over 20 years.

· I am confident in declaring that I am an advanced user in both Microsoft Excel and Microsoft Access.

· I do all kinds of sexy things.

I am attaching some pictures that further demonstrate my sexiness. I would welcome the opportunity to discuss this designation further with you. Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sexcerely,

MY NAME

Attached Pictures:

Hiatus

In the spirit of Jon & Kate Plus 8, I will be taking a hiatus from my blog. As you can see, my posts have been sporadic as of late. I really just need to take some time and focus on haircare. I hope to return to more consistent blogging by the end of the Summer.

The Dialogue In The Old Sex Ed Movies Was Different

The following family exchange illustrates how children eventually start learning about sex.

Me: The kids are really swinging wild at soccer today. Maybe we should get the boy a cup.
The Wife: Maybe.
The Girl: What’s a cup?
Me & The Wife: Ummm...
Me: It’s protection...for a boy’s stuff.
The girl: What’s stuff?
Me & The Wife: Ummm...
The boy: My nuts!
The girl: Ewwww! (pause) OK.

Growing Concerned

I am becoming concerned that my campaign to be named People Magazine’s Sexist Man Alive is not gaining the necessary traction. It’s almost like I just wrote it in a blog and it didn’t go anywhere from there.

Therefore, in order to make sure more people are aware that I am a candidate for the honor, I am going to begin to preface my conversations and e-mails with the fact that I am potentially the next People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.

I hope that’ll do the trick. I don’t want to have to work too hard for this. After all, us sexy people are supposed to take it easy.

Numb3rs Starting To Get On My Nerves

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m getting pretty annoyed by Numb3rs. It seems like every criminal case can be solved by having a mathematical genius on staff. I’d like to have one episode where Charlie doesn’t butt in and offer to solve the case by using a technique that approximates where the drops of a sprinkler will fall so they can match the bomb residue pattern and find the mad bomber right before he sets off a bomb that will kill Charlie and the other guy’s father.

I’d like to have an episode where Charlie hears about the case and says “Wow. That’s a real dome scratcher. I can’t offer any help whatsoever. You guys should do whatever that Columbo guy does to solve cases.” And then spends the rest of the episode unable to balance his checkbook.