Friday, May 30, 2008

Sharon Stone Replaces Lex Luthor

According to a recent commentary by the Xinhua News Agency in China, Sharon Stone is the “public enemy of all mankind.” I thought it was Celine Dion, but I can accept this decision as well.

Monday, May 26, 2008

"Daddy!! The Underwear Guy Is On!!"

And so the wife’s dream of introducing some culture to the family by watching “So You Think You Can Dance” devolved into the sole desire to see some nutcase dance around in a pair of tighty whities.

I think we were supposed to be paying attention to form or technique or something. But my son said it best when he walked out of the room to go play with his Star Wars Legos, “Call me when another underwear guy comes on.”

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Misplaced Priorities?

The Russian Communists are upset over the new Indiana Jones movie. Who cares? Didn’t these guys lose? Shouldn’t they have bigger concerns? Perhaps they should concentrate on replacing the economic system in their home country rather than George Lucas’ middling (apparently…haven’t seen the move) script? Or even Cuba. How’s that working out for you guys?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Not Sure What To Make Of That…

This morning my wife asked me, “Do you know where I hid the toaster?”

I’m not sure whether to file this under the “You Learn Something New Every Day” category and be happy that I now know that toasters should be hidden.

Or perhaps this falls under the “There’s No Reason For Toasters To Be Hidden And I Should Now Be Worried About The Wife” category and wonder exactly why she’s hiding toasters and lose sleep that there are other small appliances she’s stashed.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I'm A Good Friend Because...

When my friend told me all about his new girlfriend and how wonderful she is, I resisted the urge to say, "Wow, she sounds like she's not inflatable."

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

My Favorite Corporate Phrases And Their Not So Hidden Meanings

  • “I hadn't heard from you” = You didn't return my call. Now I will stalk you. Where do you keep your bunny?
  • “I have some concerns” = You did something to make me lose my temper. Now I have ink all over myself and I don't think it will come out.
  • “Handed off” = Bother them.
  • “As indicated by” = Blame them.
  • “As per” = For the life of me, I can't think of a better way to start an e-mail.
  • “Recalibrate” = Let me try a better guess.
  • “Push back” - Tactfully said f**k no.
  • “Directionally correct” = Wrong.
  • “Violation of firm policy” = Something everybody does.
  • “To source” = Emasculated version of “to get.”
  • “Teaming” = Sitting around with people trying not to ask personal questions.
  • “Action plan” = The end result of inaction.
  • “Reach out” = Ask.
  • “Touch base” = Talking about something without touching.
  • “Tee it up” = The most refined method of sports talk available in the common workplace. More highbrow companies use terms from Squash, Lacrosse, and Polo (not the water kind).
  • “Fyi” = Look at this.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Life Is Hard

It’s hard to describe the feelings of pride I had watching my daughter perform this weekend with her chorale group. It’s also hard to describe my amazement at how long the concert went. It’s also hard to know exactly why my wife nudged me…hard to wake me up when I was trying to nap between my daughter’s group performing. It’s hard to know if I was snoring or if she was just upset that I was sleeping. But it’s not hard to know that I shouldn’t ask her for clarification on why she woke me.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Best Line I Ever Had At A Banking Institution

"I am a Komodo Dragon, the largest member of the lizard family. And I am here to close out my account."