Saturday, July 4, 2009


In the spirit of Jon & Kate Plus 8, I will be taking a hiatus from my blog. As you can see, my posts have been sporadic as of late. I really just need to take some time and focus on haircare. I hope to return to more consistent blogging by the end of the Summer.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

The Dialogue In The Old Sex Ed Movies Was Different

The following family exchange illustrates how children eventually start learning about sex.

Me: The kids are really swinging wild at soccer today. Maybe we should get the boy a cup.
The Wife: Maybe.
The Girl: What’s a cup?
Me & The Wife: Ummm...
Me: It’s protection...for a boy’s stuff.
The girl: What’s stuff?
Me & The Wife: Ummm...
The boy: My nuts!
The girl: Ewwww! (pause) OK.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Growing Concerned

I am becoming concerned that my campaign to be named People Magazine’s Sexist Man Alive is not gaining the necessary traction. It’s almost like I just wrote it in a blog and it didn’t go anywhere from there.

Therefore, in order to make sure more people are aware that I am a candidate for the honor, I am going to begin to preface my conversations and e-mails with the fact that I am potentially the next People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.

I hope that’ll do the trick. I don’t want to have to work too hard for this. After all, us sexy people are supposed to take it easy.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Numb3rs Starting To Get On My Nerves

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m getting pretty annoyed by Numb3rs. It seems like every criminal case can be solved by having a mathematical genius on staff. I’d like to have one episode where Charlie doesn’t butt in and offer to solve the case by using a technique that approximates where the drops of a sprinkler will fall so they can match the bomb residue pattern and find the mad bomber right before he sets off a bomb that will kill Charlie and the other guy’s father.

I’d like to have an episode where Charlie hears about the case and says “Wow. That’s a real dome scratcher. I can’t offer any help whatsoever. You guys should do whatever that Columbo guy does to solve cases.” And then spends the rest of the episode unable to balance his checkbook.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I Don't Have Million Dollar Domestic Skills

A craftsman never blames his tools. But I am not a craftsman and there’s only so much I can do with a handsaw.

Not long after graduating from college, the wife and I lived in a townhome. We lived there with our two cats, Rocky & Bullwinkle. Prior to moving to our townhome, we lived in an apartment. The apartment had large, wide window sills where the cats could lay and look out the window. Our new townhome didn’t have wide window sills. It had small, puny window sills. Like all good pet owners, we felt guilty.

Shortly after moving in, I went to the pet store and purchased the solution. It was a hammock consisting of a comfy blanket that was suspended from a plastic frame. The frame was designed to be hung from a wall flush with the sill so the cat could lie contentedly and gaze out the window…at other townhomes. But the view wasn’t important. It was being content that truly mattered.

Unfortunately for our cats, they’re big boned. Along with those bones comes other stuff that netted them out to 15 pounds. It soon became apparent that the hammock wasn’t going to hold their weight. The screws in the wall just weren’t enough. And wall anchors weren’t going to cut it either.

I was initially demoralized. But then I came up with an idea. The hammock needed reinforcement on the side opposite the wall. I had taken wood shop. I built the gum ball machine. It worked. I did a kick ass job working the lathe, the drill press, and the miter box. I would build the support that I envisioned by myself!!

Exhibit A below depicts the support that I envisioned.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t own a lathe, a drill press, or a miter box. I owned a TV, a Packard Bell computer, a Sega Game Gear, a bookcase from Ikea, and a Saturn SL1 and that was about it for my post college life. So I set out for Home Depot (or someplace similar). In addition to not having the aforementioned woodworking tools, I also didn’t have much money. So I returned home with some wood, a clamp (because I couldn’t afford a vise), and a 12” hand saw (because I couldn’t afford anything else better).

One evening after work I began constructing my “vision.” Unfortunately, my vision wasn’t coming together quite as I envisioned. The clamp wasn’t quite cutting it. The saw wasn’t helping much either. The ruler worked as intended. But considering I spent most of the time holding the wood between my knees and couldn’t cut a straight line, that wasn’t much help. After a few hours and some cuts on my hand, I emerged from the garage with something slightly different than my vision.

Exhibit B below depicts the support as constructed. Wobble lines not shown.So the cats never got to look out the window when we lived in the townhome.

I would like to point out to my wife that I’m old enough now to afford a vise, a miter box, saw horses, or a power saw. And I even have a tape measure now. Because the true disappointment isn’t that the cats couldn’t look out the window. The disappointment is that my wife unjustly pictures Exhibit B in her mind any time I suggest doing something around the house.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

My Father Normally Didn’t Swear

I played baseball in 5th grade. I played it other years, but I remember playing on a team in 5th grade. I had a friend on my team. I can’t remember his name, but I think it was Eric. He had blond hair. I do remember he had a brother named John.

Eric (if that’s his name) lived pretty close to me. One day he came over to my house for the first time. I showed him around. He seemed particularly enamored with the fact that my room had two doors with one that opened right to a bathroom. He just couldn’t stop talking about it. I had that room all my life, so I didn’t really see what the big deal was. I guess if you need to pee in the middle of the night, proximity really helps.

Anyway, we were hanging out that day going back and forth between our houses. On one trip to my house, his brother John accompanied him. We were in my room and Eric stood up and proudly strode to the bathroom door to show off the key feature of my room. He cleared his throat and announced to his brother, “Look at the luxury.” He then flung open the door. It revealed my father sitting on the toilet going to the bathroom.

We all stared at my father dumbfounded for what seemed like an eternity. My father broke our foggy haze when he yelled, “Shut the fucking door!” Eric reached over and slammed the door back shut.

I don’t remember much of what happened after that. But I do believe I pointed out to John that the wasn’t the luxury Eric had in mind.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Being Sexy By Working

I've been being sexy by working a lot of hours. I've also been wearing my reading glasses while working a lot. I look ultra sexy in my glasses. Generally it helps my appearance if other peoples' vision is getting blurrier over time, but I have to take what I can get.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Shaved My Beard

I shaved my beard yesterday. That should make me sexier.

I walked around for 20 minutes with a mustache. Mustache was definitely not sexier.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

My New Year's Resolution

In the year 2009, I will be named "Sexiest Man Alive" by People Magazine.