I Wonder If The Pirates Dress Like Jack Sparrow

Apparently, there are pirates operating off the coast of Somalia. Today, I read a story that the Indian Navy sank one of these pirate ships.

Everybody who was shocked to hear that India has a Navy, please raise your hands.

I thought so.

The Family That Haunts Together…

One of the best lines I heard this Halloween season was from my neighbor to her daughter. And the remarkable thing is that I don’t think the little girl will be repeating it in a therapy session years from now.

“I want you to gather all the body parts and put them in this bin.”

The Signs Are All There

I believe people who know my wife and I would say that we make a good couple. They could point to the fact that we get along well, have similar temperaments, and seem to complement each other. And they would be wrong.

My wife and I are a horrible match and our relationship is doomed to a colossal failure. We lack the one basic ingredient every successful couple has: a name that the paparazzi can join together and refer to us as one entity.

They're not going to call us "Koshua." Let's not even entertain "Jelly." Same problems with "Kelosh" or "Keloshua" or "Joshly" or "Jolly."

Sorry to say, we’re doomed. I hope we can keep it together until the kids go off to college.

Other Quotes That Didn't Make The Holiday Letter

Some more quotes that just didn’t make the cut for our Holiday Letter…

· The boy: I have a great idea.

The girl: Is turning off the light your great idea?

The boy: Yes.

The girl: It’s not a great idea.

(Didn’t want to show the girl as being too cynical with her brother. Unfortunately, as I recall it wasn’t such a great idea.)

· The boy: There is something wrong with this blanket. It doesn’t work.

(I paid good money for that blanket.)

· The girl: Julia (the doll) was sneezing last night.

The wife: Did she catch your cold?

The girl: No. I still have it.

(Don’t want to let anybody think that she doesn’t have a future in medicine ahead of her.)

· The boy: (After I asked him what a little girl was saying to him...) I have no idea.

(Too much of an explanation. When he was 3, I took him to Hooters to spite the wife. The food took forever so I let him check out different things around the restaurant. While checking out the jukebox, a little girl came up to him and talked to him for 2 or 3 minutes. He nodded and seemed to follow the conversation. When he returned and answered, I knew that he had the essence of dating down.)

· The wife: It’s just nice that we can sit and get our stuff done and just talk.

The girl: We can always talk…except when the vacuum cleaner is on.

(We had to leave it out after being threatened by the vacuum industry lobby.)

Deep Thoughts About A Side Job With Satan

I’ve got Reaper on the Tivo. It brings up so many questions.

Is Sam the son of the devil? What is up with his parents? Should he be so friendly with those demons? Is my DMV office populated by demons? Was that girl the devil’s daughter? Can Sam ever have a long term relationship with Andi? What if Sam wants to go on a vacation to someplace like Cancun or Disney World, does he need to clear it with the Devil first? And most importantly, with him being zipped all over the place by the devil, what does his time card look like?

Bigger Than A Bigfoot Sighting...Hair Raising Too

I finally sat down this past weekend to try to organize our family photos. We haven't kept photo albums since before we met in college and we haven't done too much to get them started since then either.

After several hours of organizing and thumbing through photos, I did confirm what has only been a legend up to this point. My hair has not always been valued at one million dollars.

After All These Years

Apparently, I’m fixated on license plates these days. I trace it to the fact that ever since I was young, I dreamed of getting a personalized license plate.

After years of waiting, I’ve finally done it. My plate choice wasn’t without some deliberation. Below are some of the choices I pondered.

MM BRGR 1 – The runner up.
ON IOWA 1 – Among the final picks.
HAV SUM 2 – In the finals…a little too nerdy.
UPTITE 1 – Wife rejected. And I thought I was uptight.
PIN PAL 1 – Afraid people would think I’m into bowling.
I. M NUM 2 – Wife liked this thinking it was humble. I didn’t like proclaiming I’m poo.
BEF CAK 1 – Wife rejected. Don’t know why.
HI KEL 1 – I am only so whipped.
UPTGHT 1 – Once again, wife doesn’t want world to know I’m nuts.
FNS LFT 4 – Wanted to get wife’s car to be Fins Right, but it wasn’t in the cards.
MMM BRGR – Too expensive. Not having a number is like $40 more.
GRT HAIR – I have great hair. But without the number it wasn’t worth the $40.
BLECCH 1 – Not very upbeat.
BIG HAIR – I have great hair, not a bouffant.
M DOLR DO – Too hard too figure out (Million Dollar ‘Do)
NUT CAS 1 – Wife felt it sent the wrong message.
WFS HOT 1 – Once again, only so whipped.
MM FOOD 1 – Liked BRGR (burger) better.
TOO SXY 2 – I was too sexy for this plate.
DA BOMB – Would have been very cool 10 years ago.
NTSTOU 2 – Went through an angry phase (Nuts To U).
BLD SPT 1 – Chink in the armor?
IM NUM 2 – Once again, not going to declare I’m poo.
SPR NRD 1 – Super Nerd would not drive the chicks wild.
FL O ANGER – Angry phase. Wouldn’t be good when pulled over.
HI MOM 3 – My mom would never see my car.
HI HON 2 – I’ve already got a minivan. Isn’t that enough emasculation?
HI HNY 2 – See above.
TPYO 2 – I liked this. But there’s only so far that clever will take you.
MMDNUT 2 – Hard to read (mmm donut)
BORING 2 – I am boring. So was this plate idea.
URBHND 2 – Too clever. I’d want to ram me.
SNOOZE 1 – Wife vetoed yet again. Didn't reflect our suburban rock star lifestyle.
G RATED 1 – Same as above.

And the choice was:
MR PLOW 1 – This Simpsons reference fully reflects my sexiness. And it looks a little odd on a Honda Accord.

That's Not Going To Help Him Get The Ladies

According to the National Institute of Health website:

Sepsis is a life-threatening illness. Your body's response to a bacterial infection usually causes it. Your immune system goes into overdrive, overwhelming normal processes in your blood. The result is that small blood clots form, blocking blood flow to vital organs. This can lead to organ failure. Babies, old people and those with weakened immune systems are most likely to get sepsis. But even healthy people can become deathly ill from it. A quick diagnosis can be crucial, because one third of people who get sepsis die from it.

Sepsis is usually treated in a hospital intensive care unit (ICU). IV antibiotics and fluids may be given to try to knock out the infection and to keep blood pressure from dropping too low. Patients may also need respirators to help them breathe.

So can anybody tell me why the guy at the car wash today had a vanity plate that read “SEPSIS?” That’s just sick…pun intended.

Elements of My Wife’s Bad Day

-Car Battery Died
-Storming Outside
-Can’t read AAA card because her eyes had been dilated from eye doctor appointment
-Towing company that shows up to give her a jump: T&A Towing

Thanks…I Think

“Wow you look great. I didn’t recognize you.”

That could probably have been phrased differently.

Some Thoughts From A Fantasy Football Draft

Cool: Going to Hooters for our Fantasy Football draft
Not Cool: Bringing our computers
Really Not Cool: Having a computer bag with wheels and a handle…grandma

Smart: Hooters installing and advertising Wi-Fi
Not Smart: Having zero electrical outlets in the restaurant

Notable: Now I know how the “PC” guy feels in those Mac commercials

Some More Quotes Not Worthy of The Holiday Letter

Another set of quotes that just didn't cut it...

· The wife: (Yelling upstairs) What are you doing?
The girl: Nothing!
The wife: Well don't do it again!

(There are just some things a mother knows that can’t be articulated.)


· The wife: (To the boy) Hey! Stop eating your feet!

(Don’t want people thinking we’re not giving the kid enough to eat.)


· The girl: You have beetles. (Her diagnosis after taking my blood pressure with the Sesame Street medical kit.)

(We didn’t want to brag that we have a future doctor in the family. Plus, I now carry the shame of having beetles.)


· The boy: Isn't it cool to stand like this? (Said to his Aunt while balancing on one foot trying to put off going to the bathroom so he could keep playing.)

(Once again, potty humor doesn’t play well at the Holidays.)


· The girl: I can't win the race.
Me: Why can't you win the race?
The girl: Because I'm in a box.
Me: Tell Mommy why you can't win the race.
The girl: Because I don't have straight arms.

(This was several years ago. Everybody already thinks I’m nuts. Didn’t want them thinking it rubbed off on the girl.)

Some More Quotes That Didn't Make The Holiday Letter

As below, there are some quotes that just arent fit to print...

· The girl: What is that, a potato?
Her friend: No! It's you!
The girl: But I don't have any arms.

Her friend: What is that a picture of?
The girl: It's you.
Her friend: I don't look like that.

(This was several years ago. I think the daughter was 4 at the time. The quote was too long and I don't think my wife liked me highlighting that my daughter's drawings at the time were closer to Picasso than Van Gogh.)


· The boy: Can I have a nail?
The wife: When you I turn 18?
The boy: Can I have a level when I turn 18?
The wife: We can probably get you one before you turn 18.
The boy: Can I get dynamite when I turn 18?
The wife: Mommy and Daddy can't even get dynamite.

(A little too long for the letter. And my wife was frustrated that she couldn't own dynamite.)


· The wife: You have to leave.
The boy: The family?
The wife: No!! The office.

(My wife was trying to get something done in the office for Brownies or some other paramilitary organization she belongs to. Nixed from the letter because we had no idea why he thought he needed to leave the family and didn't want people coming to the conclusion that we threaten to sell the kids to gypsies.)


· The wife: I think the (mail order) steaks (we ordered) are here.
The boy: (excitedly) SNAKES ?!?

(I think we had something in the letter that year about the boy telling somebody giving a spider presentation that the wife squishes them and that was all the nature humor that could work in one letter.)


· The wife: I love you ornery little fellow.
The boy: I'm not a little fellow.

(Left off the letter because we didn't want to frighten relatives he might visit. He is ornery you know.)

Some Quotes That Didn’t Make The Holiday Letter

I always like to put a few family quotes from the past year in our holiday letters. For one reason or another, some quotes don’t make it in the letter because of length or the Editor in Charge (wife) nixes them. Here are some of the ones not fit for a festive missive from the last couple of years.

· The girl: When will dinner be here because I'm damn thirsty?

(Nixed by the editor. I think the daughter was 5 or 6 at the time. The editor didn’t quite think some of the elder family members would find it as amusing as I did.)


· The wife: Are you being nice to each other?
The girl: A little.

(Nixed by the editor. Family strife doesn’t play well during the Holiday Season.)


· The wife: You need to share your toys.
The boy: OK. But I'm not going to share my toys.

(Better quotes available that year, many of which didn't highlight playgroup angst.)


· Me: (Pointing across a field to the NIU campus) That's where Daddy goes to school.
The girl: A barn?

(Didn’t make it in. Too much of an explanation needed.)


· The boy: (Announced to a table of complete strangers at a restaurant.) I am going to go potty.

(Nixed by the editor. Potty humor. But you should have seen those peoples’ faces.)

The Wisdom Of Six Year Olds

Our house was hit with some eggs a week back. Based on the conversation I had with the police officer while I was in my underwear hosing off the house, the event appears to be entirely random.

The next morning, my son approached me to ask whether it was true that our house had been hit with eggs. “Yes,” I replied, “Some teenagers doing stupid stuff. No big deal.”

He took a moment, seemed pensive, and then replied, “At least they didn’t throw potatoes.”

Epistle Missles

I recently went through my files looking for some paperwork. I came across some of my favorite correspondence.

This Is Not Helping…
My wife was feeling a little blue when she turned 35. It didn’t help when the letter from AARP showed up a week later.

Send Your Thank You Letters Or The Gifts Go Back…
Below is one of the most rewarding thank you letters I’ve ever received. When I was discussing what to get for this person Kelly said, “Just send anything.” But I said, “No. No. Let’s send something.” And look!! This person was touched by the fact that we sent something instead of just anything.

I won’t throw stones though. My best thank you letter is a toss up between writing to one couple that I was very sorry that they were able to come to my Bar Mitzvah and writing another couple that I was very glad they weren’t able to come to my Bar Mitzvah. Based on conversations with my grandparents and my mother, the recipients failed to find any humor in the situation.

If Only I Could Find The Time For Gardening…
Perhaps ComEd has overestimated the amount of time required to pay their bill.

They Put The Suck In Successful Customer Service…
This is a letter that my bank sent to a check guarantee service…seriously. The story is that during an account switch-over, our bank accidentally bounced a check they were supposed to pay. And this is the letter they wrote to rectify the situation.

The epicness of the suckiness of this letter is hard to put into words…especially in less than 2 or 3 pages. So I’ll forgo any further explanation. But I will let you know that this was written by a person who was (a) not a person where English was a foreign language and (b) not a child and (c) not typed in the dark and (d) not a person in the middle of some medical episode and (e) not the employee of the month.

I Am A Published Author

A few years ago, the Chicago Tribune asked people to write in and suggest debates they wanted to see. My response is below. It’s still a debate I’d like to see.

Barney the Dinosaur versus a velociraptor from “Jurassic Park.” They could debate the best way to hold a child’s attention: singing songs to them about brushing teeth versus tracking and eating them.

Haven’t Written Much Lately

Frankly, I’ve been dealing with some personal loss. I recently learned that I’ve lost a number of relatives living overseas due to some tragic circumstances. I never knew these relatives existed and it’s amazing the sheer number of announcements I’ve received of late. How big is my family tree and are the roads in Nigeria that bad?

There’s a silver lining to my story. Once I’m able to come to grips with my loss, it appears (coincidentally) that every one of these relatives was quite wealthy and I am the lone living relative that is able to inherit their estate. (Nigerian law must be very complex otherwise surely one of MY other living relatives would also be able to share in the inheritance.) Additionally, it appears I’ve won a number of lotteries that I didn’t even know I’d entered.

I will write more later once I’ve completed the grieving process and collected my untold millions of dollars.

Ewwww!

Here's an actual headline from CNN.com. What on earth would cause somebody to report this, let alone place this on the front page of their website?

Cops say man collected, drank boys' urine

Nevermind. I don't won't to know.

But Has Their Hair Been Appraised At A Value Exceeding One Million Dollars?

I had a conversation with two gentlemen at a party last night. One of them was a mechanical engineer and the other was…somebody who does something with Physics. They were linked by the fact that they both worked at Fermilab at one time or another.

Below please find all the words I understood from our ten minute conversation.

-Physics
-Demolition
-Batavia
-Apartment
-Switzerland
-France
-Six Pack of Beer
-Paper
-Concrete
-Doctorate
-Housing
-Helium
-Cooling
-Hamburg (mmm burger)

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

I have a drinking problem.

I'm hooked on Coke. I'm hoping the wife won't be staging an intervention anytime soon. Or at least until after Summer. They have so many good drink specials at Jewel.

And Now I'm "Standard"

A conversation around the house as I try to determine a vanity plate for my car...

Me: I could be Stud Muffin, but I'd have to spell it S-T-D.
The Boy: What does STD mean?
The Wife: (quickly) Standard!
The Boy: Dad, You're Standard.

Misery Loves Company?

Blues Fest in Chicago this weekend. Is that an oxymoron? Or just foreshadowing for a really bad party.

Hostilities Delayed Due To Small Typeface

“This Is Spinal Tap” is one of my favorite movies. In fact, it should be one of your favorite movies. It is incumbent upon every single one of us to say "Hello Cleveland" every time that we get lost at any point in time (because it's not like we're stopping to ask for directions).

Along with that, every one of us should be able to picture the bewilderment in Nigel Tufnel’s and David St. Hubbins’ eyes when performing "Stonehenge." Their confusion was driven by seeing an 18 inch stone replica descending to the stage when they were expecting an 18 foot replica. Or as David St. Hubbins put it, the concern that, “There was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.”

If you can picture their bewildered look in your eyes, then you can picture me this past Christmas.

The wife was doing some shopping on Amazon at the end of last year and asked me if I wanted anything, particularly for the upcoming Holidays. I had never read Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. Deciding that peace and harmony sucks, I thought it would be a good gift idea. I searched for the book and found an amazingly low price. That made it an even better gift idea and so I ordered it.

Our Amazon order arrived later in December. Too late for a Hanukah gift that year, but fine for Christmas. Kelly absconded with the package once it arrived. Later, I asked her if she was going to wrap the present up and put it under the tree. She told me I would get it as a stocking stuffer. I thought that was a little odd to cram my book into my stocking. But what did I know, after all, I’m Jewish. I don’t question these Christmas things.

Christmas came. Our family gathered to open presents and see what Santa had brought us in our stockings. And much to my bewilderment, he had brought me this.


Somehow, I had angered Santa and he had shrunk my book on war.

One day, I’m going to update my reading glasses prescription. And at that point, I could become a very dangerous man.

Sharon Stone Replaces Lex Luthor

According to a recent commentary by the Xinhua News Agency in China, Sharon Stone is the “public enemy of all mankind.” I thought it was Celine Dion, but I can accept this decision as well.

"Daddy!! The Underwear Guy Is On!!"

And so the wife’s dream of introducing some culture to the family by watching “So You Think You Can Dance” devolved into the sole desire to see some nutcase dance around in a pair of tighty whities.

I think we were supposed to be paying attention to form or technique or something. But my son said it best when he walked out of the room to go play with his Star Wars Legos, “Call me when another underwear guy comes on.”

Misplaced Priorities?

The Russian Communists are upset over the new Indiana Jones movie. Who cares? Didn’t these guys lose? Shouldn’t they have bigger concerns? Perhaps they should concentrate on replacing the economic system in their home country rather than George Lucas’ middling (apparently…haven’t seen the move) script? Or even Cuba. How’s that working out for you guys?

Not Sure What To Make Of That…

This morning my wife asked me, “Do you know where I hid the toaster?”

I’m not sure whether to file this under the “You Learn Something New Every Day” category and be happy that I now know that toasters should be hidden.

Or perhaps this falls under the “There’s No Reason For Toasters To Be Hidden And I Should Now Be Worried About The Wife” category and wonder exactly why she’s hiding toasters and lose sleep that there are other small appliances she’s stashed.

I'm A Good Friend Because...

When my friend told me all about his new girlfriend and how wonderful she is, I resisted the urge to say, "Wow, she sounds like she's not inflatable."

My Favorite Corporate Phrases And Their Not So Hidden Meanings

• “I hadn't heard from you” = You didn't return my call. Now I will stalk you. Where do you keep your bunny?
• “I have some concerns” = You did something to make me lose my temper. Now I have ink all over myself and I don't think it will come out.
• “Handed off” = Bother them.
• “As indicated by” = Blame them.
• “As per” = For the life of me, I can't think of a better way to start an e-mail.
• “Recalibrate” = Let me try a better guess.
• “Push back” - Tactfully said f**k no.
• “Directionally correct” = Wrong.
• “Violation of firm policy” = Something everybody does.
• “To source” = Emasculated version of “to get.”
• “Teaming” = Sitting around with people trying not to ask personal questions.
• “Action plan” = The end result of inaction.
• “Reach out” = Ask.
• “Touch base” = Talking about something without touching.
• “Tee it up” = The most refined method of sports talk available in the common workplace. More highbrow companies use terms from Squash, Lacrosse, and Polo (not the water kind).
• “Fyi” = Look at this.

Life Is Hard

It’s hard to describe the feelings of pride I had watching my daughter perform this weekend with her chorale group. It’s also hard to describe my amazement at how long the concert went. It’s also hard to know exactly why my wife nudged me…hard to wake me up when I was trying to nap between my daughter’s group performing. It’s hard to know if I was snoring or if she was just upset that I was sleeping. But it’s not hard to know that I shouldn’t ask her for clarification on why she woke me.

Best Line I Ever Had At A Banking Institution

"I am a Komodo Dragon, the largest member of the lizard family. And I am here to close out my account."

What Was That Again?

My father was one of the most intelligent people I’ll ever know. But I still recall one thing he said when I was growing up. I was a teenager upstairs playing in my room with a friend when he matter-of-factly called up the stairs to my mother, “Lorrie, is there any reason why there’s smoke rising from the basement?” That concerned me.

I had a similar experience yesterday morning. I was in the office prepping for the day when the wife walked in and casually asked me, “What company do you call when you have animals in your attic?” That concerned me...greatly.

Now, it ended up that the smoke my father was referring to was really just steam from the clothes dryer. And apparently, the wife was just looking for a “back story” for her fractured fairy tale character for a school party. But I’ll always remember those initial moments of panic wondering why my father and wife were so calm as our house was potentially burning down or being overrun with rodents.

Fertilized The Lawn Today

The wife insisted that I go the traditional route with the Scotts granules. Maybe not as much fun as in prior years, but I saved time not needing to take the lawn out to an expensive dinner, buy it drinks of alcoholic weed killer, or drive donuts on it with a fancy car. The wife was happy I went with the granule method. So were the neighbors.

I still sense that my relationship with the lawn isn’t going well. The lawn has really let itself go. We had a talk 2 years ago and I agreed to get rid of the Aerating Sandals from Brookstone if it would stop being so weedy.

I don’t quite know what to think. I went out this morning and there was crabgrass everywhere. I tried to sit down and talk with the lawn. But it just sat there and didn’t want to talk. I’m really worried that this is is going to be a difficult Summer between us.

Canada

On the plus side, they gave us Robin Sparkles, Corey Hart, Bryan Adams, Jim Carrey, Pamela Anderson, Corey Haim, Elisha Cuthbert, and once again, Pamela Anderson (without whom Kid Rock would be lost).

However, they also gave us Celine Dion. And they refuse to take her back.

Is It Politically Incorrect To Make Fun Of Football Players?

I really enjoy football. I like pro football. I love college football. I’m into fantasy football. I try to catch a game or two on the weekends. And I don’t go overboard, but I think the NFL draft is fun.

The NFL draft is coming up this weekend. With it comes the excitement of sizing up college prospects and trying to determine who will be the next Cecil “The Diesel” Collins.

For those that aren’t aware, Cecil Collins was a Running Back for the Miami Dolphins. Despite a checkered past, which included breaking into dorm rooms and cuddling with women while they slept, the Dolphins drafted him in the fifth round of the 1999 draft. I, believing Jimmy Johnson’s defense of Cecil’s character, later drafted him for my fantasy football team. He had a few good weeks followed by a mid-season burglary arrest and now resides at the Moore Haven Correctional Facility. Wikipedia confirms his nickname is “Cuddle Monster.” In retrospect, he was not a good pick for me or the Dolphins.

Today I read the most unique assessment of a draft prospect. According to Peter King of SI, the negatives of Devin Harris, a Wide Receiver from Michigan State are, “…Only a one-year starter, not always focused on the task at hand, one leg is shorter than the other.” Not focused on the task at hand, hmmm? Is that another way to say the guy is running around in circles?

Anyway, I’m sure Devin can look forward to being Detroit’s first round pick. (Apparently their franchise charter mandates that they take a disappointing Wide Receiver with their first pick.) Now, the fans there will understand why all of his plays end with him running out-of-bounds into the water table and why he keeps failing the “walk a straight line” portion of his roadside sobriety tests.

Aren't Enough O's In Smooth For That One

The beautiful Spring day coupled with “bone day” for my dog reminds me of one of the stupider things I’ve done in the last few years.

My dog gets a bone once a week. The vet recommended I give her a bone to help her teeth. I follow his advice religiously after spending $200 on a teeth cleaning for the dog. (By the way, I still can’t figure out why he made me watch most of the teeth cleaning. I watched the dog being sedated and then having her teeth cleaned. And then he told me to come back in four hours when she had awakened from the anesthesia. Why couldn’t I go before he sedated her? I don’t have any desire to observe veterinary surgery. Was I being punished?)

(Cheyenne -- still angry about being spayed.)

Anyway, Kelly and the kids had gone to Wisconsin leaving me home alone for the week to work and study for whatever class I was taking at the time. It was a beautiful day and for some reason, I decided to give the dog her weekly bone outside. I then went back inside to work.

About 20 minutes later, I walked by the window and just stared for a minute trying to take in the scene. For some reason, Cheyenne had decided to bury the bone…in multiple places throughout the yard. Now my yard was full of holes and my dog’s paws were caked in mud. I couldn’t let her in the house that I had just cleaned so that Kelly would be amazed on her return, and I didn’t want to put her in my car. And the dog kept running away from me. So I chased her around the back yard for 10 minutes with a hose before she’d let me wash her paws off.

As I type this from our office, Cheyenne is behind me gnawing on her bone. The smell is terrible. However, it beats 8 holes in my backyard and a dog covered in mud…and an instructive $200 teeth cleaning.

Look Ma, No Vomit!!

Deep thoughts after a night of drinking…

Firstly, Happy Birthday to Mr. Small Bladder. Not only did you not pee in the McDonalds parking lot, you also didn’t fall down at any point during the night.

How cool is it that I didn’t throw up? How sad is it that I think that’s cool?

Could our waitress spend more time talking with us and less time getting us beer? After all, we were her ONLY table. Yes, it’s nice to talk and hang out, BUT NOT WHEN I HAVE AN EMPTY BEER IN FRONT OF ME. I’m starting to question whether her evil twin was really evil or just impatient.

Why would an engineer tell a group of horrified engineers that he didn’t bother to install a $7 GFI switch when apparently taking the time to install said GFI switch would have won praise and approval from the group of engineers? (I’m not an engineer and I just feigned being horrified by the way. But I thought it was cool that I knew what a GFI switch was, that I’d heard of Romax, and that I learned the best way to electrocute myself.)

Kind of bummed that we just played a regular game of pool. Nobody brought a laser aiming device, a GPS locater, a sonar tracking set, or a tent. Also, nothing we did required the use of protein powder. Not what I’ve come to expect from this group.

It’s a little disconcerting that somebody can show up, announce they’re legally blind, and then shoot pool better than me. And why exactly didn’t we better coordinate driving to keep our neighborhood’s version of Ray Charles off the streets? It’s not like we didn’t have enough mini-vans between us.

How does White Castle survive? Their food contains Benzene, or at least tastes like it. And when people pull up to the drive-thru the cars in front of them have cobwebs. Perhaps they could hire one more person for the late shift.

Why haven’t I gotten a new alarm clock? And am I blind? I’ve had this thing for 2 years and I just realized this morning that the snooze bar and the button to turn off the alarm are right next to each other. So yes, I did miss my morning workout.

And finally, why did I tell my wife that I’ve referred to her as a pilgrim? I’m going to have to come up with a good answer for our first counseling session. And speaking of pilgrims, why the hell did they carry guns that look like small French Horns? I have a hunch as to why they were such crappy hunters. Small wonder they needed Indians to bail them out at Thanksgiving.

Some Of The Things I Do That Annoy My Wife

• Introduce her as my first wife.
• Fart under the covers. (No dutch oven though…one point for me.)
• Tell people I only married her for my future toupee needs.
• Installed a stripper pole in the kitchen. (It’s supposed to be the new fitness craze.)
• Corrupt the children.
• Drink the last Diet Coke.
• Tell waitresses we’re there to celebrate her recent breast augmentation.
• Begin our discussions with “Now that you’ve paid your debt to society…”
• Make fun of Gilmore Girls.
• Suggest we swap office furniture. (It’s not kinky. She gave me her chair and I want her desk.)
• Pepper our Holiday Letter with obscenities.
• Post stuff like this on my blog (especially with my in-laws having the website address).

Sherwood's Laws Of Computing

• If you have a keyboard problem, it will always affect a character included in your name.
• Network login speed is inverse to your logon urgency.
• Stray mouse clicks while on the internet will always direct you to spam or pornography.
• You will send your paycheck to the wrong printer at least once a year.
• 1 of every 5 people that you blind copy on an e-mail will reply to you by hitting Reply All.
• At the end of 365 days of computing, you will have enough food in your keyboard to re-construct a lunch consisting of a pastrami sandwich and chips.
• In your lifetime, you will twice write e-mails complaining about a person and then accidentally send them to said person.
• Printer ink is naturally attracted to business clothing, especially on days when you have an important meeting.
• 1/3 of all obscene typos will actually be funny.

A Story My Wife Likes To Tell

In honor of my wife’s 49th birthday, I thought I would post a story that she likes to tell.

She and I met at The University of Iowa. Technically, we met during our Sophomore year at a bar before the Delta Zeta Dating Game. As a contestant, I got very drunk, smoked a cigarette on stage, lost the cigarette at some point, won the date with some girl who I never actually went on a date with, rode in a limousine (I think), and threw up in the middle of a football game after two plays thereby ruining said football game. I was also not suave enough to convince my future wife to hang out with me after the Dating Game…thankfully.

About 6 or 7 months later, my fraternity and her sorority were Homecoming partners and we were paired up as Homecoming co-chairs for the event. As you can imagine, she couldn’t resist my hair. We placed third in the homecoming competition, I heard her drop a few F-bombs after Brad Wulf drove the float into the apparently low-hanging Mercy Hospital pedestrian walk-way on the way to the parade, and we held hands the whole parade route.

After dating for about a month, I took her to my fraternity’s Holiday date party. We were playing a game of darts against our friends Jeff & Denise (now married too). Kelly has some vision problems. And she doesn’t have good hand eye coordination. And she’s not a very good dart player either.

Jeff and Denise began the game beating us pretty badly. I was an OK dart player, but Kelly kept throwing her darts over the board, at the mirror next to the board, into the coin slot below the board, even unfortunate people standing near the board. Through it all, I was supportive.

After a period of time, Kelly and I began to draw closer to Jeff and Denise. I was doing OK and Jeff had gone cold. Denise was not doing well and Jeff was growing more frustrated. Kelly had even gotten better. She began hitting the board. Then, during one particularly good turn where she had hit the board twice and even scored once, I announced, “If you hit the board, I’ll marry you.”

Yup…Bullseye. (And we won the game too.)

What's With You Man?

I recently picked up a bag of protein powder for a friend. Without mentioning any names, Mike (and even his wife Carol) was shocked at the price. To be honest, I’m shocked that he doesn’t understand the true value of that bag of protein.

Firstly, in order to get the amount of protein packed in two small scoops of powder, he would have to eat as much red meat as shown here. The time savings alone makes the purchase price of the powder worthwhile. Rather than exercising, spending time with his loving family, and making figurines out of elbow macaroni, Mike would need to spend hours eating beef.

Secondly, this powder has the power to turn Mike from this…

…into this….

Sure, he'll frighten his family and his chances of being hit by a meteorite will increase dramatically. But he'll be really cool and save a lot of money on beef purchases. And isn't that all that matters?

The Only Reason My Wife And I Would Divorce...

...is because she continually takes the phones off their base and hides them throughout the house.

But my kids shouldn't worry. Chances are that when she calls me to tell me that she's leaving me because she's had enough of my nagging on the subject, I WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND THE PHONE.

Ran 8 Miles Today

Then my legs fell off below the knee. I look funny walking around. I'm hoping they grow back soon.

Family Quote Kelly Surely Won't Let Me Put In The Holiday Letter

While playing video games...

Me: "...In the game of life, we're all winners."

Evan: "No we're not!!"

I've Received An Internet Act Of Goodwill

I just want to give a shout out to my friend Amanda who showed me the blogging ropes. Not only did Amanda link my blog to the internet at large, she also:

• Acknowledges that my hair has been appraised at a value of at least $1M
• Owns a pug that doesn’t hump my leg
• Is a competitive knitter and talks trash about yarn of all things
• Has seen a man shaved “all over” along with the unfortunate aftermath
• Is being stalked by an eskimo

http://www.aaswanson.com/

Pipe Dream For Accountants

I had to do a lot of commuting in the car before my son was born and I listened to a lot of radio...specifically sports radio. It was interesting listening to people whose lives revolved around sports or who gave it way too much thought. It made me wonder what it must be like to be an athlete. Sure, the money is good and there are some upsides to fame. However, there are some definite benefits to anonymity. I tried to picture what it would be like if my job was viewed the same as an athlete.

• I would be heckled as being soft for going to get a soda and not "leaving 110% in the cube."
• People would read into my clothing choices. The blue button-down means "I came ready to work and my teammates should fear me." Also, I would give a shout-out to my recently laid-off homeys by writing their names on the back of my loafers.
• Experts would question whether I go to the SQL tables enough.
• Stuart Scott would yell "Boo Yah" whenever I replied to an e-mail.
• People would debate in barbershops whether my management style was "old-school" or "modern."
• I would be a role model to children. They'd begin dreaming of updating their voice mail message and doing yard work.
• It would be acceptable to spit in my office. Also, people wouldn't think anything strange about my burping and farting.
• People named Chad would call in to radio programs and complain that I blew them off at Dunkin Donuts.
• Nerds (nerdier than me) would track my performance relative to review time to see if I performed better in a "contract month."
• My mistakes would be scrutinized. Oh wait, that already happens.
• Jay Marriotti would write a column floating rumors that the executive office was conspiring to fix the financials so that I could exceed forecast.
• There would be an over/under line in Vegas on when certain reports would be distributed.
• I'd have to assemble a "posse" of other analysts. We'd hang out in computer stores and race cordless mice.
• Lord knows that the groupies would look like.
• Little kids would ask me to sign their calculators.
• Adults would auction off my timesheets on eBay.
• Hardcore fans would frame signed financial statements and forecasts.
• I’d have to enter work through the “Analysts Entrance.”
• My agent would receive my annual review and negotiate my merit raise and incentive comp. Also, my agent would call my boss every once in awhile and say, "He's not happy."
• They’d make a movie named “Type It Like Sherwood.”
• People wouldn't ask if I have too much time on my hands.

Dumb Question Ed

I am sorry to report, but all my teachers are wrong. Teachers always like to tell us that there are no dumb questions. However, Parade Magazine has shown that there are dumb questions and they’re most likely asked by dumb people.

Parade Magazine is published on Sundays and distributed with many local newspapers. They provide a Q&A page so that Hollywood publicists can confirm their clients are still alive (though lord knows what their clients have been doing between starring in “Facts of Life” and publishing a book of poems about anger) and it is intended to be read while going to the bathroom.

Today’s Parade Magazine featured the following question: “Why does George Clooney date women half his age, like Sarah Larson?” I don’t even have to give you the answer. All I can confirm is that (a) Edward Koziol from Aynor, SC is a dumbass and (b) I’m pretty sure that Ed needs to give a different answer when his wife asks him if she looks fat in those pants.