Friday, July 25, 2008

The Wisdom Of Six Year Olds

Our house was hit with some eggs a week back. Based on the conversation I had with the police officer while I was in my underwear hosing off the house, the event appears to be entirely random.

The next morning, my son approached me to ask whether it was true that our house had been hit with eggs. “Yes,” I replied, “Some teenagers doing stupid stuff. No big deal.”

He took a moment, seemed pensive, and then replied, “At least they didn’t throw potatoes.”

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Epistle Missles

I recently went through my files looking for some paperwork. I came across some of my favorite correspondence.

This Is Not Helping…
My wife was feeling a little blue when she turned 35. It didn’t help when the letter from AARP showed up a week later.

Send Your Thank You Letters Or The Gifts Go Back…
Below is one of the most rewarding thank you letters I’ve ever received. When I was discussing what to get for this person Kelly said, “Just send anything.” But I said, “No. No. Let’s send something.” And look!! This person was touched by the fact that we sent something instead of just anything.

I won’t throw stones though. My best thank you letter is a toss up between writing to one couple that I was very sorry that they were able to come to my Bar Mitzvah and writing another couple that I was very glad they weren’t able to come to my Bar Mitzvah. Based on conversations with my grandparents and my mother, the recipients failed to find any humor in the situation.

If Only I Could Find The Time For Gardening…
Perhaps ComEd has overestimated the amount of time required to pay their bill.

They Put The Suck In Successful Customer Service…
This is a letter that my bank sent to a check guarantee service…seriously. The story is that during an account switch-over, our bank accidentally bounced a check they were supposed to pay. And this is the letter they wrote to rectify the situation.

The epicness of the suckiness of this letter is hard to put into words…especially in less than 2 or 3 pages. So I’ll forgo any further explanation. But I will let you know that this was written by a person who was (a) not a person where English was a foreign language and (b) not a child and (c) not typed in the dark and (d) not a person in the middle of some medical episode and (e) not the employee of the month.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

I Am A Published Author

A few years ago, the Chicago Tribune asked people to write in and suggest debates they wanted to see. My response is below. It’s still a debate I’d like to see.

Barney the Dinosaur versus a velociraptor from “Jurassic Park.” They could debate the best way to hold a child’s attention: singing songs to them about brushing teeth versus tracking and eating them.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Haven’t Written Much Lately

Frankly, I’ve been dealing with some personal loss. I recently learned that I’ve lost a number of relatives living overseas due to some tragic circumstances. I never knew these relatives existed and it’s amazing the sheer number of announcements I’ve received of late. How big is my family tree and are the roads in Nigeria that bad?

There’s a silver lining to my story. Once I’m able to come to grips with my loss, it appears (coincidentally) that every one of these relatives was quite wealthy and I am the lone living relative that is able to inherit their estate. (Nigerian law must be very complex otherwise surely one of MY other living relatives would also be able to share in the inheritance.) Additionally, it appears I’ve won a number of lotteries that I didn’t even know I’d entered.

I will write more later once I’ve completed the grieving process and collected my untold millions of dollars.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Here's an actual headline from What on earth would cause somebody to report this, let alone place this on the front page of their website?

Cops say man collected, drank boys' urine

Nevermind. I don't won't to know.