Sunday, January 24, 2010

Rules For Camping

I don’t know if there are any rules to camping. And there probably are. The first rule is probably something like, “I know the bear cub is cute, but stop hugging it” or “No matter how good beef jerky is for a morning snack, don’t sleep with it stuffed in your pockets.” And those are fine rules. But those are rules for people showing an elevated dumbass level. If somebody is going to hug Gentle (how ironic) Ben’s offspring, it’s probably best for society if they die by being mauled by a bear.

I think there need to be rules for people who are just plain busy and only camp occasionally. Therefore, I present to you: Sherwood’s Rules of Camping

Sherwood’s Rules of Camping

1. Make sure you’re bringing what you actually think you’re bringing. Take the time to actually double check what you have is what you think you have. Otherwise, you could go to open what you think is your bed roll after carrying it all the way into the museum for your special overnight only to find that you’ve lugged a tent all the way in from the parking lot and it won’t do you much good when you’re sleeping on a VERY HARD floor which is incidentally INDOORS so you really need a bed roll so you can get some sleep to ignore your kid and having a tent isn’t going to cut the mustard.

2. Bring all of your medications. Make sure that you have vital medications on hand such as Prevacid or Prilosec for heartburn, insulin for diabetics, and cough syrup for kids. BECAUSE COUGH SYRUP IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE GIVING KIDS WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SLEEP AND NOT CAFFEINE.

3. Don’t eat anything that gives you gas beginning within six hours of camping. ‘Nuff said.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Oddly Enough, No Reply Yet

To People Magazine

Dear Sir or Madam:

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I possess the experience you are seeking. My qualifications include the following:

· I have hair that has been appraised at a value exceeding $1 million for over 20 years.

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I am attaching some pictures that further demonstrate my sexiness. I would welcome the opportunity to discuss this designation further with you. Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I look forward to hearing from you.



Attached Pictures: