Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Thanks…I Think

“Wow you look great. I didn’t recognize you.”

That could probably have been phrased differently.

Some Thoughts From A Fantasy Football Draft

Cool: Going to Hooters for our Fantasy Football draft
Not Cool: Bringing our computers
Really Not Cool: Having a computer bag with wheels and a handle…grandma

Smart: Hooters installing and advertising Wi-Fi
Not Smart: Having zero electrical outlets in the restaurant

Notable: Now I know how the “PC” guy feels in those Mac commercials

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Some More Quotes Not Worthy of The Holiday Letter

Another set of quotes that just didn't cut it...

· The wife: (Yelling upstairs) What are you doing?
The girl: Nothing!
The wife: Well don't do it again!

(There are just some things a mother knows that can’t be articulated.)

· The wife: (To the boy) Hey! Stop eating your feet!

(Don’t want people thinking we’re not giving the kid enough to eat.)

· The girl: You have beetles. (Her diagnosis after taking my blood pressure with the Sesame Street medical kit.)

(We didn’t want to brag that we have a future doctor in the family. Plus, I now carry the shame of having beetles.)

· The boy: Isn't it cool to stand like this? (Said to his Aunt while balancing on one foot trying to put off going to the bathroom so he could keep playing.)

(Once again, potty humor doesn’t play well at the Holidays.)

· The girl: I can't win the race.
Me: Why can't you win the race?
The girl: Because I'm in a box.
Me: Tell Mommy why you can't win the race.
The girl: Because I don't have straight arms.

(This was several years ago. Everybody already thinks I’m nuts. Didn’t want them thinking it rubbed off on the girl.)

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Some More Quotes That Didn't Make The Holiday Letter

As below, there are some quotes that just arent fit to print...

· The girl: What is that, a potato?
Her friend: No! It's you!
The girl: But I don't have any arms.

Her friend: What is that a picture of?
The girl: It's you.
Her friend: I don't look like that.

(This was several years ago. I think the daughter was 4 at the time. The quote was too long and I don't think my wife liked me highlighting that my daughter's drawings at the time were closer to Picasso than Van Gogh.)

· The boy: Can I have a nail?
The wife: When you I turn 18?
The boy: Can I have a level when I turn 18?
The wife: We can probably get you one before you turn 18.
The boy: Can I get dynamite when I turn 18?
The wife: Mommy and Daddy can't even get dynamite.

(A little too long for the letter. And my wife was frustrated that she couldn't own dynamite.)

· The wife: You have to leave.
The boy: The family?
The wife: No!! The office.

(My wife was trying to get something done in the office for Brownies or some other paramilitary organization she belongs to. Nixed from the letter because we had no idea why he thought he needed to leave the family and didn't want people coming to the conclusion that we threaten to sell the kids to gypsies.)

· The wife: I think the (mail order) steaks (we ordered) are here.
The boy: (excitedly) SNAKES ?!?

(I think we had something in the letter that year about the boy telling somebody giving a spider presentation that the wife squishes them and that was all the nature humor that could work in one letter.)

· The wife: I love you ornery little fellow.
The boy: I'm not a little fellow.

(Left off the letter because we didn't want to frighten relatives he might visit. He is ornery you know.)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Some Quotes That Didn’t Make The Holiday Letter

I always like to put a few family quotes from the past year in our holiday letters. For one reason or another, some quotes don’t make it in the letter because of length or the Editor in Charge (wife) nixes them. Here are some of the ones not fit for a festive missive from the last couple of years.

· The girl: When will dinner be here because I'm damn thirsty?

(Nixed by the editor. I think the daughter was 5 or 6 at the time. The editor didn’t quite think some of the elder family members would find it as amusing as I did.)

· The wife: Are you being nice to each other?
The girl: A little.

(Nixed by the editor. Family strife doesn’t play well during the Holiday Season.)

· The wife: You need to share your toys.
The boy: OK. But I'm not going to share my toys.

(Better quotes available that year, many of which didn't highlight playgroup angst.)

· Me: (Pointing across a field to the NIU campus) That's where Daddy goes to school.
The girl: A barn?

(Didn’t make it in. Too much of an explanation needed.)

· The boy: (Announced to a table of complete strangers at a restaurant.) I am going to go potty.

(Nixed by the editor. Potty humor. But you should have seen those peoples’ faces.)