What Was That Again?

My father was one of the most intelligent people I’ll ever know. But I still recall one thing he said when I was growing up. I was a teenager upstairs playing in my room with a friend when he matter-of-factly called up the stairs to my mother, “Lorrie, is there any reason why there’s smoke rising from the basement?” That concerned me.

I had a similar experience yesterday morning. I was in the office prepping for the day when the wife walked in and casually asked me, “What company do you call when you have animals in your attic?” That concerned me...greatly.

Now, it ended up that the smoke my father was referring to was really just steam from the clothes dryer. And apparently, the wife was just looking for a “back story” for her fractured fairy tale character for a school party. But I’ll always remember those initial moments of panic wondering why my father and wife were so calm as our house was potentially burning down or being overrun with rodents.

Fertilized The Lawn Today

The wife insisted that I go the traditional route with the Scotts granules. Maybe not as much fun as in prior years, but I saved time not needing to take the lawn out to an expensive dinner, buy it drinks of alcoholic weed killer, or drive donuts on it with a fancy car. The wife was happy I went with the granule method. So were the neighbors.

I still sense that my relationship with the lawn isn’t going well. The lawn has really let itself go. We had a talk 2 years ago and I agreed to get rid of the Aerating Sandals from Brookstone if it would stop being so weedy.

I don’t quite know what to think. I went out this morning and there was crabgrass everywhere. I tried to sit down and talk with the lawn. But it just sat there and didn’t want to talk. I’m really worried that this is is going to be a difficult Summer between us.

Canada

On the plus side, they gave us Robin Sparkles, Corey Hart, Bryan Adams, Jim Carrey, Pamela Anderson, Corey Haim, Elisha Cuthbert, and once again, Pamela Anderson (without whom Kid Rock would be lost).

However, they also gave us Celine Dion. And they refuse to take her back.

Is It Politically Incorrect To Make Fun Of Football Players?

I really enjoy football. I like pro football. I love college football. I’m into fantasy football. I try to catch a game or two on the weekends. And I don’t go overboard, but I think the NFL draft is fun.

The NFL draft is coming up this weekend. With it comes the excitement of sizing up college prospects and trying to determine who will be the next Cecil “The Diesel” Collins.

For those that aren’t aware, Cecil Collins was a Running Back for the Miami Dolphins. Despite a checkered past, which included breaking into dorm rooms and cuddling with women while they slept, the Dolphins drafted him in the fifth round of the 1999 draft. I, believing Jimmy Johnson’s defense of Cecil’s character, later drafted him for my fantasy football team. He had a few good weeks followed by a mid-season burglary arrest and now resides at the Moore Haven Correctional Facility. Wikipedia confirms his nickname is “Cuddle Monster.” In retrospect, he was not a good pick for me or the Dolphins.

Today I read the most unique assessment of a draft prospect. According to Peter King of SI, the negatives of Devin Harris, a Wide Receiver from Michigan State are, “…Only a one-year starter, not always focused on the task at hand, one leg is shorter than the other.” Not focused on the task at hand, hmmm? Is that another way to say the guy is running around in circles?

Anyway, I’m sure Devin can look forward to being Detroit’s first round pick. (Apparently their franchise charter mandates that they take a disappointing Wide Receiver with their first pick.) Now, the fans there will understand why all of his plays end with him running out-of-bounds into the water table and why he keeps failing the “walk a straight line” portion of his roadside sobriety tests.

Aren't Enough O's In Smooth For That One

The beautiful Spring day coupled with “bone day” for my dog reminds me of one of the stupider things I’ve done in the last few years.

My dog gets a bone once a week. The vet recommended I give her a bone to help her teeth. I follow his advice religiously after spending $200 on a teeth cleaning for the dog. (By the way, I still can’t figure out why he made me watch most of the teeth cleaning. I watched the dog being sedated and then having her teeth cleaned. And then he told me to come back in four hours when she had awakened from the anesthesia. Why couldn’t I go before he sedated her? I don’t have any desire to observe veterinary surgery. Was I being punished?)

(Cheyenne -- still angry about being spayed.)

Anyway, Kelly and the kids had gone to Wisconsin leaving me home alone for the week to work and study for whatever class I was taking at the time. It was a beautiful day and for some reason, I decided to give the dog her weekly bone outside. I then went back inside to work.

About 20 minutes later, I walked by the window and just stared for a minute trying to take in the scene. For some reason, Cheyenne had decided to bury the bone…in multiple places throughout the yard. Now my yard was full of holes and my dog’s paws were caked in mud. I couldn’t let her in the house that I had just cleaned so that Kelly would be amazed on her return, and I didn’t want to put her in my car. And the dog kept running away from me. So I chased her around the back yard for 10 minutes with a hose before she’d let me wash her paws off.

As I type this from our office, Cheyenne is behind me gnawing on her bone. The smell is terrible. However, it beats 8 holes in my backyard and a dog covered in mud…and an instructive $200 teeth cleaning.

Look Ma, No Vomit!!

Deep thoughts after a night of drinking…

Firstly, Happy Birthday to Mr. Small Bladder. Not only did you not pee in the McDonalds parking lot, you also didn’t fall down at any point during the night.

How cool is it that I didn’t throw up? How sad is it that I think that’s cool?

Could our waitress spend more time talking with us and less time getting us beer? After all, we were her ONLY table. Yes, it’s nice to talk and hang out, BUT NOT WHEN I HAVE AN EMPTY BEER IN FRONT OF ME. I’m starting to question whether her evil twin was really evil or just impatient.

Why would an engineer tell a group of horrified engineers that he didn’t bother to install a $7 GFI switch when apparently taking the time to install said GFI switch would have won praise and approval from the group of engineers? (I’m not an engineer and I just feigned being horrified by the way. But I thought it was cool that I knew what a GFI switch was, that I’d heard of Romax, and that I learned the best way to electrocute myself.)

Kind of bummed that we just played a regular game of pool. Nobody brought a laser aiming device, a GPS locater, a sonar tracking set, or a tent. Also, nothing we did required the use of protein powder. Not what I’ve come to expect from this group.

It’s a little disconcerting that somebody can show up, announce they’re legally blind, and then shoot pool better than me. And why exactly didn’t we better coordinate driving to keep our neighborhood’s version of Ray Charles off the streets? It’s not like we didn’t have enough mini-vans between us.

How does White Castle survive? Their food contains Benzene, or at least tastes like it. And when people pull up to the drive-thru the cars in front of them have cobwebs. Perhaps they could hire one more person for the late shift.

Why haven’t I gotten a new alarm clock? And am I blind? I’ve had this thing for 2 years and I just realized this morning that the snooze bar and the button to turn off the alarm are right next to each other. So yes, I did miss my morning workout.

And finally, why did I tell my wife that I’ve referred to her as a pilgrim? I’m going to have to come up with a good answer for our first counseling session. And speaking of pilgrims, why the hell did they carry guns that look like small French Horns? I have a hunch as to why they were such crappy hunters. Small wonder they needed Indians to bail them out at Thanksgiving.

Some Of The Things I Do That Annoy My Wife

• Introduce her as my first wife.
• Fart under the covers. (No dutch oven though…one point for me.)
• Tell people I only married her for my future toupee needs.
• Installed a stripper pole in the kitchen. (It’s supposed to be the new fitness craze.)
• Corrupt the children.
• Drink the last Diet Coke.
• Tell waitresses we’re there to celebrate her recent breast augmentation.
• Begin our discussions with “Now that you’ve paid your debt to society…”
• Make fun of Gilmore Girls.
• Suggest we swap office furniture. (It’s not kinky. She gave me her chair and I want her desk.)
• Pepper our Holiday Letter with obscenities.
• Post stuff like this on my blog (especially with my in-laws having the website address).

Sherwood's Laws Of Computing

• If you have a keyboard problem, it will always affect a character included in your name.
• Network login speed is inverse to your logon urgency.
• Stray mouse clicks while on the internet will always direct you to spam or pornography.
• You will send your paycheck to the wrong printer at least once a year.
• 1 of every 5 people that you blind copy on an e-mail will reply to you by hitting Reply All.
• At the end of 365 days of computing, you will have enough food in your keyboard to re-construct a lunch consisting of a pastrami sandwich and chips.
• In your lifetime, you will twice write e-mails complaining about a person and then accidentally send them to said person.
• Printer ink is naturally attracted to business clothing, especially on days when you have an important meeting.
• 1/3 of all obscene typos will actually be funny.

A Story My Wife Likes To Tell

In honor of my wife’s 49th birthday, I thought I would post a story that she likes to tell.

She and I met at The University of Iowa. Technically, we met during our Sophomore year at a bar before the Delta Zeta Dating Game. As a contestant, I got very drunk, smoked a cigarette on stage, lost the cigarette at some point, won the date with some girl who I never actually went on a date with, rode in a limousine (I think), and threw up in the middle of a football game after two plays thereby ruining said football game. I was also not suave enough to convince my future wife to hang out with me after the Dating Game…thankfully.

About 6 or 7 months later, my fraternity and her sorority were Homecoming partners and we were paired up as Homecoming co-chairs for the event. As you can imagine, she couldn’t resist my hair. We placed third in the homecoming competition, I heard her drop a few F-bombs after Brad Wulf drove the float into the apparently low-hanging Mercy Hospital pedestrian walk-way on the way to the parade, and we held hands the whole parade route.

After dating for about a month, I took her to my fraternity’s Holiday date party. We were playing a game of darts against our friends Jeff & Denise (now married too). Kelly has some vision problems. And she doesn’t have good hand eye coordination. And she’s not a very good dart player either.

Jeff and Denise began the game beating us pretty badly. I was an OK dart player, but Kelly kept throwing her darts over the board, at the mirror next to the board, into the coin slot below the board, even unfortunate people standing near the board. Through it all, I was supportive.

After a period of time, Kelly and I began to draw closer to Jeff and Denise. I was doing OK and Jeff had gone cold. Denise was not doing well and Jeff was growing more frustrated. Kelly had even gotten better. She began hitting the board. Then, during one particularly good turn where she had hit the board twice and even scored once, I announced, “If you hit the board, I’ll marry you.”

Yup…Bullseye. (And we won the game too.)

What's With You Man?

I recently picked up a bag of protein powder for a friend. Without mentioning any names, Mike (and even his wife Carol) was shocked at the price. To be honest, I’m shocked that he doesn’t understand the true value of that bag of protein.

Firstly, in order to get the amount of protein packed in two small scoops of powder, he would have to eat as much red meat as shown here. The time savings alone makes the purchase price of the powder worthwhile. Rather than exercising, spending time with his loving family, and making figurines out of elbow macaroni, Mike would need to spend hours eating beef.

Secondly, this powder has the power to turn Mike from this…

…into this….

Sure, he'll frighten his family and his chances of being hit by a meteorite will increase dramatically. But he'll be really cool and save a lot of money on beef purchases. And isn't that all that matters?

The Only Reason My Wife And I Would Divorce...

...is because she continually takes the phones off their base and hides them throughout the house.

But my kids shouldn't worry. Chances are that when she calls me to tell me that she's leaving me because she's had enough of my nagging on the subject, I WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND THE PHONE.

Ran 8 Miles Today

Then my legs fell off below the knee. I look funny walking around. I'm hoping they grow back soon.

Family Quote Kelly Surely Won't Let Me Put In The Holiday Letter

While playing video games...

Me: "...In the game of life, we're all winners."

Evan: "No we're not!!"