Friday, March 12, 2010
Therefore, after learning that Barack Obama won $1.4 million dollars in cash as part of winning the Nobel Peace prize, I've decided that I should now set a goal of winning the Nobel Peace prize instead. I don't exactly know the criteria, but I am sure my hair valuation or my Excel skills will have more of an impact on this contest than the Sexiest Man Alive contest. And besides, if I'm named Sexiest Man Alive, all I get is a magazine cover. If I win the Nobel Peace price, I get some serious cash and I get a wine testing medal that would make Flavor Flav jealous.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I don’t know if there are any rules to camping. And there probably are. The first rule is probably something like, “I know the bear cub is cute, but stop hugging it” or “No matter how good beef jerky is for a morning snack, don’t sleep with it stuffed in your pockets.” And those are fine rules. But those are rules for people showing an elevated dumbass level. If somebody is going to hug Gentle (how ironic) Ben’s offspring, it’s probably best for society if they die by being mauled by a bear.
I think there need to be rules for people who are just plain busy and only camp occasionally. Therefore, I present to you: Sherwood’s Rules of Camping
Sherwood’s Rules of Camping
1. Make sure you’re bringing what you actually think you’re bringing. Take the time to actually double check what you have is what you think you have. Otherwise, you could go to open what you think is your bed roll after carrying it all the way into the museum for your special overnight only to find that you’ve lugged a tent all the way in from the parking lot and it won’t do you much good when you’re sleeping on a VERY HARD floor which is incidentally INDOORS so you really need a bed roll so you can get some sleep to ignore your kid and having a tent isn’t going to cut the mustard.
2. Bring all of your medications. Make sure that you have vital medications on hand such as Prevacid or Prilosec for heartburn, insulin for diabetics, and cough syrup for kids. BECAUSE COUGH SYRUP IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE GIVING KIDS WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SLEEP AND NOT CAFFEINE.
3. Don’t eat anything that gives you gas beginning within six hours of camping. ‘Nuff said.
Friday, January 8, 2010
To People Magazine
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing because I wish to be considered for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive designation. I believe I would be an excellent choice for the designation.
I possess the experience you are seeking. My qualifications include the following:
· I have hair that has been appraised at a value exceeding $1 million for over 20 years.
· I am confident in declaring that I am an advanced user in both Microsoft Excel and Microsoft Access.
· I do all kinds of sexy things.
I am attaching some pictures that further demonstrate my sexiness. I would welcome the opportunity to discuss this designation further with you. Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I look forward to hearing from you.