Wednesday, May 7, 2008

My Favorite Corporate Phrases And Their Not So Hidden Meanings

  • “I hadn't heard from you” = You didn't return my call. Now I will stalk you. Where do you keep your bunny?
  • “I have some concerns” = You did something to make me lose my temper. Now I have ink all over myself and I don't think it will come out.
  • “Handed off” = Bother them.
  • “As indicated by” = Blame them.
  • “As per” = For the life of me, I can't think of a better way to start an e-mail.
  • “Recalibrate” = Let me try a better guess.
  • “Push back” - Tactfully said f**k no.
  • “Directionally correct” = Wrong.
  • “Violation of firm policy” = Something everybody does.
  • “To source” = Emasculated version of “to get.”
  • “Teaming” = Sitting around with people trying not to ask personal questions.
  • “Action plan” = The end result of inaction.
  • “Reach out” = Ask.
  • “Touch base” = Talking about something without touching.
  • “Tee it up” = The most refined method of sports talk available in the common workplace. More highbrow companies use terms from Squash, Lacrosse, and Polo (not the water kind).
  • “Fyi” = Look at this.

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