Some Of The Things I Do That Annoy My Wife

• Introduce her as my first wife.
• Fart under the covers. (No dutch oven though…one point for me.)
• Tell people I only married her for my future toupee needs.
• Installed a stripper pole in the kitchen. (It’s supposed to be the new fitness craze.)
• Corrupt the children.
• Drink the last Diet Coke.
• Tell waitresses we’re there to celebrate her recent breast augmentation.
• Begin our discussions with “Now that you’ve paid your debt to society…”
• Make fun of Gilmore Girls.
• Suggest we swap office furniture. (It’s not kinky. She gave me her chair and I want her desk.)
• Pepper our Holiday Letter with obscenities.
• Post stuff like this on my blog (especially with my in-laws having the website address).

Sherwood's Laws Of Computing

• If you have a keyboard problem, it will always affect a character included in your name.
• Network login speed is inverse to your logon urgency.
• Stray mouse clicks while on the internet will always direct you to spam or pornography.
• You will send your paycheck to the wrong printer at least once a year.
• 1 of every 5 people that you blind copy on an e-mail will reply to you by hitting Reply All.
• At the end of 365 days of computing, you will have enough food in your keyboard to re-construct a lunch consisting of a pastrami sandwich and chips.
• In your lifetime, you will twice write e-mails complaining about a person and then accidentally send them to said person.
• Printer ink is naturally attracted to business clothing, especially on days when you have an important meeting.
• 1/3 of all obscene typos will actually be funny.

A Story My Wife Likes To Tell

In honor of my wife’s 49th birthday, I thought I would post a story that she likes to tell.

She and I met at The University of Iowa. Technically, we met during our Sophomore year at a bar before the Delta Zeta Dating Game. As a contestant, I got very drunk, smoked a cigarette on stage, lost the cigarette at some point, won the date with some girl who I never actually went on a date with, rode in a limousine (I think), and threw up in the middle of a football game after two plays thereby ruining said football game. I was also not suave enough to convince my future wife to hang out with me after the Dating Game…thankfully.

About 6 or 7 months later, my fraternity and her sorority were Homecoming partners and we were paired up as Homecoming co-chairs for the event. As you can imagine, she couldn’t resist my hair. We placed third in the homecoming competition, I heard her drop a few F-bombs after Brad Wulf drove the float into the apparently low-hanging Mercy Hospital pedestrian walk-way on the way to the parade, and we held hands the whole parade route.

After dating for about a month, I took her to my fraternity’s Holiday date party. We were playing a game of darts against our friends Jeff & Denise (now married too). Kelly has some vision problems. And she doesn’t have good hand eye coordination. And she’s not a very good dart player either.

Jeff and Denise began the game beating us pretty badly. I was an OK dart player, but Kelly kept throwing her darts over the board, at the mirror next to the board, into the coin slot below the board, even unfortunate people standing near the board. Through it all, I was supportive.

After a period of time, Kelly and I began to draw closer to Jeff and Denise. I was doing OK and Jeff had gone cold. Denise was not doing well and Jeff was growing more frustrated. Kelly had even gotten better. She began hitting the board. Then, during one particularly good turn where she had hit the board twice and even scored once, I announced, “If you hit the board, I’ll marry you.”

Yup…Bullseye. (And we won the game too.)

What's With You Man?

I recently picked up a bag of protein powder for a friend. Without mentioning any names, Mike (and even his wife Carol) was shocked at the price. To be honest, I’m shocked that he doesn’t understand the true value of that bag of protein.

Firstly, in order to get the amount of protein packed in two small scoops of powder, he would have to eat as much red meat as shown here. The time savings alone makes the purchase price of the powder worthwhile. Rather than exercising, spending time with his loving family, and making figurines out of elbow macaroni, Mike would need to spend hours eating beef.

Secondly, this powder has the power to turn Mike from this…

…into this….

Sure, he'll frighten his family and his chances of being hit by a meteorite will increase dramatically. But he'll be really cool and save a lot of money on beef purchases. And isn't that all that matters?

The Only Reason My Wife And I Would Divorce...

...is because she continually takes the phones off their base and hides them throughout the house.

But my kids shouldn't worry. Chances are that when she calls me to tell me that she's leaving me because she's had enough of my nagging on the subject, I WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND THE PHONE.

Ran 8 Miles Today

Then my legs fell off below the knee. I look funny walking around. I'm hoping they grow back soon.

Family Quote Kelly Surely Won't Let Me Put In The Holiday Letter

While playing video games...

Me: "...In the game of life, we're all winners."

Evan: "No we're not!!"